The voiceless profession

Sharing this because silence doesnt help. This is one of the reasons kenapa sy pilih utk sambung training di luar negara. Sy x ingat berapa kali sy drive balik kerja letih, make a mistake or two on the road kena hon sikit, kena middle finger sikit and genuinely think "kalau dah ajal, it will happen". And i think the same about my doctor husband too. Ive somehow normalised my mentality to accept this as a very possible norm. That was the last straw for me.

Kerja sy ni mmg need mental and physical fitness. Mula kerja pukul 8 (keluar rumah 7). Kalau on call habis pukul 5 tu sambung terima panggilan, most of the times non stop everywhere in the hospital. Memang mcm marathon kadang2, kalau x caye cubelah jln dari main block hkl pergi maternity i reckon around 400m. Now repeat this 3-4 times, between accepting calls from ED. Batteri iphone pun x tahan, inikan pula batteri manusia yg last makan pun waktu tengahari. Itu perubatan awam, belum masuk kwn2 ortho yg berdiri dlm operation theatre berjam2 in lead suits, kwn2 obstetrics yg semalaman pushing babies out. Cases yg diterima most of the times are not simple, ur mind needs to be sharp. And when ur on call shift ends at 8, you are then expected utk masuk balik kerja shift biasa bright and early as if nothing happened semalaman.

Sy sedih bila org luar kdg2 belittle our voice. Katanya bangla pun kerja long hours (xtau kenape bila nak compare, bangla mesti terlibat). Katanya kalau x suka, jgn jd doktor. Kalau yg holier than thou sikit tu, katanya kalau niat utk tolong orang, automatically the fatigue will magically be gone. Katanya, manja. But is it manja to wanna feel human- eat, sleep, enjoy work, family? Most of my doctor friends dont ask for a lot. Rata-rata mereka yang kerja perubatan ni bersifat altruistik. Malu, takut nak menyuarakan hak sendiri sebab tugas ni is all about menjaga nyawa org lain. So trust me when we do speak up, it means that the situation is dire. Harga membuat seorg doktor ni bukan murah. Medical school easily costs rm1 million, i dont know about you but that is a pretty expensive roadkill. Huda, afifah, adli, are they gonna be names who went viral for 3 weeks and then be forgotten again? These are extreme cases of deaths, mcm mana dgn countless broken families and marriages, miscarriages, depression: where do we draw the line?

Sy buat keputusan ni with the knowledge mungkin ada yg kecam, baru2 ni viral pula pasal "my country if wrong make it right" tapi camane nak make a country right when u are too tired to make urself right? How to make a difference when u are 6 feet under, god forbid? I realised that org2 yg rub their version of nationalisme in everyone's face, they wont be crying on my grave- the ones hurting will be my family. Sy pun baru sahaja selesai night shift di sini, and yes mmg penat, but alhamdulillah im allowed to get my rest. I get to reflect on how i treated my patients. I get to enjoy the medicine that has always intrigued me. And tomorrow, i know i will be a better doctor

Coffee reflections: Chasing a dream.

Here I am, counting the last few days that I will be spending in Apartment 8-2-6.
It's a pretty chill Friday afternoon. My balcony which overlooks trees and sky rise buildings, is softly pelted with rain.

I'm sitting in front of my laptop with my warm cup of coffee and cake, Secret Recipe leftover from my lunch date with girls I'd known for 17 years.

It feels surreal that I am leaving again.
Somehow, a part of me is not surprised.
Why? Is medicine that bad here? Common questions I get.

To be honest, I always knew that I am the sort of woman who thinks of life as a literal journey. I can't imagine myself staying rooted in one place. That is not a bad thing either. Every great big trees started off as a seedling that stayed its ground for many many years. I suppose I never was a tree sort-of-person. I am more water. If it stays stagnant for too long, it gets murky.

To be honest I'm not sure what life has in store for me.
I had left the warm seat at home to venture into something unconventional.
Am I nervous? Sometimes in a fleeting moment, of course I do.
But my solace is in the fact that I've followed what is most instinctual for me, and at least, I shall have peace with myself for that.

Steps into words!

Hello there,

I haven't written in years!

I used to write a lot. Thoughts, funny things, revelations, random everyday shenanigans. I guess after that emotional dip in my life, that passion took a backseat and life just got busy thereafter. Little did I know God gave me darkness so I can see the candle in the dark.

And that candle... is my passion for travelling (haha sayang if you're reading this, you must have thought that I'm talking about you. Okaylaaa u candle oso ok? but less exotic type la like the 6-in-1 black box type people use during blackouts).

So the reason I'm writing back again is because a few people have been asking me about my travels. I always take pleasure in telling them the details so I might as well have a platform where I can just direct them to.

Also because I will be heading back to the UK soon, and will be having a long-distance relationship with the hubby, I foresee 8 months of loneliness and talking to myself (which essentially is what blogging is all about, right?)  :D 

So I hope you will find enjoyable things to read here, and I hope I will inspire you to do (or not do) certain things in your life/ travels.

Much love,

shakiralala.